“The ECB has launched an interactive campaign ahead of the upcoming Ashes series to encourage fans to get behind the cricket team and ‘#RISE for England’. Featuring stars such as Matt Prior, Alastair Cook and James Anderson the poster will be reproduced online and in ground as well as on city centre billboards in four cities where the Series takes place. English Twitter users who tweet support stand a chance of having their message relayed to a ‘Wall of Support’ within the England dressing room prior to each match.”
Well, I can’t think of anything more cringeworthy. It stinks of some middle aged fat twat who has never played any sort of sport thinking this is a good idea, and imposing it on everyone else.
There is nothing I detest more than ‘forced’ marketing campaigns. Well that’s a lie – there are a few things, but I fear if I didn’t throw in some hyperbole and exaggeration then people might think I am throwing in some hyperbole and exaggeration regardless, and thus the point would practically be moot. So yeah, I proper hate them and want them to die!
However thinking about this on another level, I thought I could use this to send subliminal messages to the England chaps and thus inspire complete domination of our Antipodean chums, thus contributing to the retention of the urn and retention of all bragging rights over all those people 3000 miles away.
Researching ‘The Complete Idiots Guide’ on using ‘power words’ to send subliminal messages, I have found out the following 4 Steps to improving the world for all concerned:
1. The nice things you say tend to attach themselves to you, even though you’re saying the nice things about other people.The same is true of the not-so-nice things you say. People tend to relate the sharp words just as much with you as with the person you’re condemning. I’m not sure how it will help win the Ashes, but it might make Ian Bell think I’m amazing. So I’m gonna go with:
“Ian Bell is amazing, he’s so sharp, such a smart player, much like a tiger. #RISE”
2. People obey commands. Without delving into the boring as hell psychology of it, know that when something is necessary or urgent, most people will do what they’re told by an authority figure, though they might complain or protest. This is why you might see me tweeting:
“Graeme Swann. You must bowl England to victory on these pitches. No excuses #RISE”
3. Sometimes one of the most efficient ways to begin a proposal is to introduce it as if you have complete consent. Tell people about the program as if they’ve already said yes to it. Tell what it will do for them, how much it costs, and what else it will entail from them. Talk about it in light of how amazing this plan is and how everyone else must already be thinking yes, yes, yes!
“How many runs are we going to bury Australia by? #RISE”
4. Use the word professional whenever you want to enrich a person’s job title or proposal. For example, if you call someone an actor, often the implication is that he’s mostly waiting on tables. But if you write or say that he’s a professional actor, then the upbeat implication is that he’s making something of a living as an actor.
“Professional cricketers of England. Shane Watson is a professional transvestite #RISE”