The Stuart Broad Test Diary

Day One.

Ah, the first day of a Trent Bridge Test match! My home, my manor, my castle! The batsmen let me and Jimmy down (again), but needless to say I produced some shots on my way to a blistering 24. My favourite was the Trademark Broad Biff  to cover in front of The Stuart Broad Stand (it’s not officially called this YET). Mine was naturally the fastest knock of the innings, I set off like the white Tyson Gay that I am and even wearing one on the shoulder from Darren Pattinson’s angry little brother James didn’t slow me down. A BIT of soreness meant I let Finny open the bowling for once. I’ve always been a TOP team player, possibly the best team player in the team I’d say, but that’s for others to judge!

Day Two.

Got him! The belligerent little bastard! So it turns out the dastardly Australians disguised their best batsman as a 19 year old debutant left arm spinner! After King Jimmy tired, Finny and Swanny were surprised by this SICK ANTIPODEAN GAMESMANSHIP, but after some trademark ‘Broady treatment’ I outfoxed the little rat and he holed out rather pathetically to deep midwicket. After close I was pretty IRKED to hear several English commentators admitting that they wanted Agar to reach his century, yet not one of them CONGRATULATED me on nailing the blighter! Broad the Sword!

Day Three.

Stu Broad, you are a fucking ledge. After GRIZZLING my way to a top start with little Belly at the other end, we were frustrating the HELL out of Australia. The best moment of the day, nay, my career happened when I was on 37. The Australian ‘spinner’ was bowling his god-awful pies and I literally SMASHED one straight at the motormouth Haddin behind the stumps. His wicket-keeping is so god-awful (Jimmy-awful?) he had to palm it to the only proper cricketer in the Australian team Michael Clarke, who as the only proper cricketer in the team naturally took the catch. I gave Dar a REALLY casual glance. He was motionless. I looked down at the pitch, did some gardening on my way to chat with Belly. “How are you mate?”. I didn’t hear what he said in reply, I just carried on. HA! It was Bonzer, as Clarke would have said had his STUPID LBW review against Bairstow actually been overturned. Broad the man, lives to fight another day!

Day Four.

50 up for Stuart ‘FEC’ Broad. Shambolically Dar had the nerve to give me out caught behind. I’d have reviewed it, but I am a merciful man and I know when not to push it. “Broad the Merciful” has a fine ring to it; Dad would be proper jealous. So yeah, a crucial 65. I have properly justified my promotion up the order. It won’t be long before I’ll be opening the bowling with Jimmy and the batting with Cooky LOL. Opening the bowling, Shane Watson: Humbled. Then, even more poetically, Australian captain Clarke tries to ‘do a Broady’ and get away with one…against Broady! The little scamp! Thankfully justice was done. You’re OUTTA THERE! Broad 1-0 The only proper Australian.

Day Five.

Broady Mind Games Win the Day! A magnificent victory for Stuart Broad and England. Just as things were getting tense, I once again donned the cape and performed heroics as England’s finest go-to villain since Sir Francis Drake! We needed lunch, you see. Badly. Motormouth Haddin had sneakily picked on Finny, and Darren’s little brother even ugly-ly bashed one from Swanny over the fence. Nothing like the finesse of me and Belly across Days 3 and 4. It was horrible. Cooky knew it. He came up to me and asked me to bowl slowly to bring lunch forward an over. I was CLEVER and quick witted enough to remove my shoe, re-soling the shoe and do the laces, all before the final ball of the over. Unfortunately that cheat Dar decided to take the rules into his own hands and we had to bowl another over anyway, but I have no doubt my antics had a massive, massive part in disrupting the Australian momentum. Such is the power of Broady, I was the main topic of convo amongst the hacks in spite of Jimmy’s (God’s) heroics.

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About wrongunatlongon

I'll muse on various subjects, mainly involving willow, leather and grass. My natural instincts is to heap as many compound adjectives as I can to sporting natterings. If you like, then feel free to link :)
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2 Responses to The Stuart Broad Test Diary

  1. ES says:

    Hilarious and a fantastic read. Especially you have to read it in Broady’s voice, even better. Somehow I think this is not too far from what Stu Broad the Ledge really thinks!!

    • With his blond hair and his “I’m Stu Broad The Man” type strut he is a bit like Draco Malfoy in the earliest Harry Potter films; Just laughably villainous! I think if he was on another team I’d find reason to dislike him, however as it is he might be a comically mean, shamelessly competitive bloke but he is England’s comically mean, shamelessly competitive bloke and if he gets up others’ noses then he should be utterly applauded for it!

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